all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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