Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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