Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
