My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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