my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
