I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
