woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
