Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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