I want to stick my p in your. b.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
