I'm going to jail i love you
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
