I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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