...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
