adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
