Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
