Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
my poor anus
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
