dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
