im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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