i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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