sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
