just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I love having hate sex.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize