You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Mom said you looked used
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
