are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
