she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
