I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
