I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
