You were right. It hurts to walk today.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
