I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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