Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
