Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
