Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize