Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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