Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
