plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
