This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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