Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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