I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize