I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
