The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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