So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
