dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
