Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
