im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
