dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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