I cut my penus on the lid.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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