We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
