Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
