Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I want to be your penis for a week.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
