you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
