I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
