If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
