hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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