Sry I called you an 8
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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