i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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