I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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