Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
