theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
