alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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